Shame and Self-Compassion
Shame is a feeling we’ve all had at some point.
Think chest tightness, pit in your stomach, hot face, trembling voice, shaky hands, on the verge of tears, elevated heart rate, cycling thoughts about the same thing over and over again.
It runs deeper than embarrassment, and it’s more overwhelming than guilt. Guilt tells us, “I feel bad about my impact on someone. I have remorse and regret.”
Shame is something entirely different. Shame tells us “I am a bad person, parent, employee, friend, etc.” Shame attacks our character, our core sense of self. Shame tells us “I’m not good enough. I’m too much. I’m broken.”
If left unchecked, shame can be very convincing. It can show up and manifest as a self-critical inner voice.
Before I started embracing my identity as a highly sensitive person (HSP), I frequently compared myself and my socializing capacity to my friends and family who could stay connected and interacting for several hours at a time. I saw my inability to do this as some kind of character flaw or moral failing, often asking myself “what is wrong with me?” As I began to accept and embrace being a HSP, over time I have been able to lessen that shame and self-criticism by using mindful self-compassion and a heavy dose of self-acceptance.
We don’t have to live in shame, constantly believing that something is wrong with us. It’s an unsustainable and painful way to live. It’s possible to face shame in a way that reduces its power and intensity.
There are 3 steps to reduce shame that together form the practice of Mindful Self-Compassion.
1. Mindfulness
The first step to reduce shame is to name it and notice when it’s happening. When you feel shame, what sensations are present in your body? Naming the experience and making it conscious helps take away some of the intensity and overwhelm of shame.
2. Common Humanity
The second step is recognizing our common humanity. Shame tells us that there is something “wrong” with us for thinking, feeling, or being a certain way. If we can acknowledge that our individual experience is part of the collective human experience, it takes away the sense of isolation. And shame thrives in isolation.
3. Loving-Kindness
The third and final step is expressing loving-kindness toward yourself. This prompts you to ask yourself, “What do I need? What would be helpful to me right now?” It could be as simple as taking a few slow deep breaths, or it could be snuggling with a beloved pet. It will be unique to you. It may take some time to figure out what actually would feel supportive and comforting if you’re not used to considering your own needs. That’s ok, just stay with yourself and be patient. The more you practice asking yourself what you need, the more natural it will feel.
Self-Compassion is the antidote to shame.
Beginning to practice Mindful Self-Compassion can be incredibly helpful to reduce the power of shame and more fully embrace yourself as you are.
Mindful Self-Compassion is a substantial part of the work I do with clients who struggle with high levels of shame and self-criticism. If these topics resonate for you, and if you’re curious about working together, click here to request a free call. I’d love to hear from you and support you.
To learn more about the topic of shame, I recommend Brene Brown’s book “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from What Will People Think to I am Enough.”
To learn more about Mindful Self-Compassion, I recommend Kristin Neff’s book “Self-Compassion” as well as her “Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook”.
Your fellow human,
~Alex
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I’m Alex, a licensed psychotherapist in Richmond, VA.
I help adults who may have experienced trauma in close relationships break free from the grip of shame and self-criticism. I help them make lasting change and show up as their full, authentic selves.
